Grief
by thatgirlinPajamas
Summary: People say there are five stages of grief, and Alec doesn't realise the truth until its too late... Warning death fic. Kinda morbid. Malec not-so-fluffy fluff. R&R pweeze!


**I'm a terrible author. I said I'd post this last weekend. I had no ideas. I got sick. Then my wifi crashed. It sucked. But it's up now and that's what matters. I'm not happy with how this turned out, but oh well too bad. If it doesn't make sense I'm sorry but I really don't care but please please please review! Tell me right now. On to the story anyway...**

**Grief**  
People say there are five stages of grief. Denial. Telling your self it never happened, that your going to open the door one day and find them there. Numbness. Not feeling anything, no feelings, just unbelievable pain. The first acceptance. When you finally realise that they are not going to be there when you open your door, and it rips your heart. Then comes the final two stages of grief, the unexplainable blaming. Snapping at everyone and finding little things to remind yourself that it's all your fault. Always your fault, this is what stage that Alexander Lightwood was at. It was all his fault. Always his fault. Maybe it wasn't his fault though? Maybe it was all- no, Alec shut that thought before it could spread. Alexander, that was his name. He was named after a great, but great was the exact opposite to Alec. Or was it? "Magnus, I know that you wouldn't do it on purpose, but why? Why didn't you!" Alec voice was rising to a scream as he felt tears slide down his pale cheeks. "I thought you loved me!" Alec was full out screaming and sobbing, his entire body shaken through with wracking sobs. He mentally chided himself for being so stupid. Why would Magnus love me? Why would he love such a royal fuck up? Alec shifted into a crouch suddenly, his shadow hunter instincts kicking in as he felt eyes on him. Izzy stood behind him, with a stele and her electrum whip drawn. Alec dimly registered she looked prepared for a fight. He rose and shuffled over to her, head down to hide the freely flowing tears. Then he stopped short, looked back at the fresh mound of dirt and smiled softly to his love. Then Alexander Lightwood walked out of the glade, with Izzy looking slightly shocked. Maybe she had expected he would fight? No, he wasn't Alexander, he didn't deserve that name. He simply Alec. Not even a Lightwood anymore. Not any more.

**MALECYMALECNESS**

Flash back  
Magnus giggled as Alec lead him slowly towards the institute, hiding his inner turmoil at meeting the 'family'. How cliche of me? Magnus thought, I sound like a guy dating his high school crush. Except I sort of am. Sort of. Magnus sped up and then stopped when the couple reached the gates of the Institute. "Alec, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, your parents are just about the worlds biggest homophobes." Magnus stared deep into Alec's eyes and he was met with no hesitation or worry. Just pure love and trusting. Magnus decided to trust Alec and followed him into the gates and up the path towards the looming Institute. Robert and Maryse stood at the gothic door, waiting to accept their son. Robert had an evil leering smile on his face and Maryse looked disgusted, but still understanding. "Magnus! Do you want to have a little chat?" Magnus frowned and halted, not liking the way that Robert asked. Alec grabbed his arm and whispered urgently to the Warlock "Don't go, he'll do something, I know it." Magnus smiled and whispered back to his love "I'm the High Warlock of Brooklyn. I can handle it" Magnus nodded stiffly at Robert and followed him around to the back of the Institute. Maryse cautiously wandered over to Alec, holding her arms out and attempting to wrap him in a warm embrace, Alec twisted away from her. A hurt look filled her eyes, and Alec did not feel an ounce of guilt. Suddenly a huge eruption of noise exploded from where Magnus and Robert where 'chatting'. Alec sprinted around at full pelt, only to arrive in time to see Robert Lightwood thrust a blade through Magnus Bane's heart. Alec was instantly full of hatred and he attacked swiftly and silently, punching his father from behind. Robert dropped like a stone and Alec was still furious, but now he was hurt. He was so full of pain it physically hurt. Alec kicked out at Robert's head, again and again. A flash of gold shone in Alec's peripheral vision but he ignored it, absolutely focused on getting revenge. The gold blur hit him then, just as Alec was about to draw a seraph blade and finally end it all for Robert. Jace pinned him down and threw the blade away, it twisted and spun in the air until it hit a tree in the garden. Alec's world spun and he let go. Into the blackness.  
End of flashback

**MALECYMALECNESS**

Alec felt fury rising from somewhere in his stomach at the memory. His father had killed the one thing he actually cared about, other than Jace and Izzy. Now it was time for payback. Alec had been hiding out in Magnus' loft for the past week or so, giving him time for his rage to settle slightly. Alec shuffled with his head down next to Izzy as she dragged him towards somewhere, where it was he didn't know. But Izzy and Jace were the only things he had left to trust, so Alec believed that Izzy was taking him home. To the loft. They walked a familiar path, half watching nowhere and everywhere and mostly just staring blankly out into space at the passing mundanes. Izzy steered them up a worn path and Alec didn't realise until too late where they were going. Izzy tightened her grip on his arm. When did she grab him? Alec couldn't remember. Then all he was focused on was the huge gothic church looming above his head. Robert Lightwood stepped out the huge oak doors. Alec felt his vision blur as a sneer appeared on Robert's pocked face. Fury ripped through Alec and he lunged forwards, not even aware of drawing a seraph blade. Izzy watched on in shock as her brother and mentor, attacked the man who was supposed to be her idol with furious wildness. He struck with sharp precise chops and heavy lunges followed by random punches and extremely vicious snarls and grunts. Alec attacked again and again, adrenaline pumping through his body, not caring that he was attempting to kill his very own father. The evil sneer never left Roberts face and he defended his attacks with boredom. Robert pulled out a already glowing seraph blade and backed away from a heavily breathing Alec.  
"Are you still a fag?"  
Robert snarled random insults under his breath as he waited for Alec's answer.  
"Yes."  
Was the cool, calm reply. Robert was shocked, he knew his son. Even if he was rarely home. He knew that Alec would not dare to answer back, to defy his wishes, to be anything other than what Robert wanted him to be.  
"Why? Why can't you be a proper Shadow hunter? Why do you have to ruin me? Bring me crashing down, I was rising big. I could've been the next Valentine. But you had to go and ruin it. Fag"  
Robert's rough dangerous voice rose slightly and he ended up shouting, before dropping his voice and spitting the last word. Fag. That's what Robert had raised. He felt utter horror and repulsion at this thought. But maybe killing that Bane thing was a good idea. After all, Bane had turned his son gay. That was it. Alec just needed to see that the Bane thing was a mistake and if he settled down and got married, to a girl, he could set all this behind him and pretend it never happened.  
"Because of love."  
Robert was startled, he was too lost in his own terrible fantasy to remember his own son. Dangerous move, he thought, especially when my son wants to kill me.  
"Excuse me? What did you say?!"  
Robert Lightwood was never one to say what he was thinking straight out, he preferred to twist and plot and make the truth into semi-truth designed to hurt everyone around him.  
"I said because of love. I can't be a proper shadow hunter because of love. I had to ruin you because of love, except this time it was because of love I didn't feel. Don't feel. You made me lose the one thing that could make me feel even the slightest amount of love towards you. If you had just accepted I am the way I am then maybe I could accept a tiny amount of feeling that isn't disgust towards you."  
Alec was breathing heavily and Robert was opening and closing his mouth in utter disbelief. Making a sudden insane decision, Robert fluidly flew forwards and stabbed Alec, right where his belly button would be. Alec stared at his father in shock and the light slowly left his eyes. Izzy had left somewhere during the fight and now recovered with Jace, just in time to see Robert plunge the blade into Alec's stomach. Jace roared, full of anger and hatred, although that roar quickly changed into a scream of agony. He bent over double and dropped to the ground, then began writhing in pain. Izzy's mind clouded over and she sent a kick flying at his head and he dropped to the ground and rolled onto his face, his nose disfiguring as it smooshed into the dirt path. Izzy stared wide eyed at the scene before her and she soon blacked out from pain. Not actual physical pain, but emotional pain. Grief for her brother, concern for Jace and hatred, pulsing and dominant, for her so called father. She lapsed into the darkness that welcomed her with welcome arms and let herself drift in the black abyss.

**MALECYMALECNESS**

Alec came to on a soft surface, surrounded by warm and comforting voices and gentle feathered touches. Slowly everything came into focus and he saw a glittery angel shedding droplets of light around and hurting Alec's sensitive vision. He laughed as soon as he fully came to. Magnus. Who else could be mistaken for a glittery angel? Alec jumped up and launched himself into Magnus' waiting arms. His Warlock chuckled and Alec felt it rumble through himself, vibrating and awakening his arms and legs properly.  
"Where are we?"  
Alec's voice cracked and wavered from apparent disuse but that just made Magnus laugh even more.  
"Where do you think we are? Don't say Kings Cross Station because then I would have to turn into something unnatural."  
It was Alec's turn to chuckle as Magnus turned him around so he could properly see his surroundings. He was in a seemingly infinite white space, with many people milling around them. Many Alec recognised, as if in a dream, then he stopped glancing around and saw his brother Max. Max was far more grown up and Alec realised that Max was the spitting image of Maryse. Alec spun around back to Magnus and buried his head deep into his chest.  
"People say there are five stages of grief. But there wrong."  
Magnus sighed contentedly and pulled Alec closer. He was right. There are five stages of grief, but the fifth stage never comes, not until the very end. When the light is leaving your eyes, and your welcoming the darkness, then you are ready to fully and one hundred percent say, I have moved on. Then you join each other in the next life, or whatever is there after death and say, I love you. It is only then do you know that you are ready to be fully happy. And at peace. And in love.

**Soooooo, did anyone catch the Harry Potter reference? Yep not happy with how this turned out but meh. Ummmmm tell me what you think and I don't own nutin, although I do own socks... I like socks... Anyway review rate blah do all that and be happy in life and all that.**

**peace out, thatgirlinpajamas **


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